An Assignment for You

Happy Fourth of July weekend, everyone!

Today’s post is short, because I want you to focus on this homework assignment.  It’s not too tough, but it’s crucial in your mind-body healing process.  I’ll tell you why you need to do this in following posts.  For now – well, you’ll have to trust me! 

Seriously, though, this is something EVERYONE would benefit from doing every single day for a variety of reasons.  I use this tool with my clients who want to lose weight, deal with work issues, solve relationship problems – you name it, this is the place to start.  And, since I’m guessing that your chronic pain issue is probably NOT the only stressor in your life, this might come as good news.  This tool is the basis for everything else you need to work through whatever is currently troubling you.

SO – here’s the assignment.  I’ll leave it a bit loose so that you can structure it to your liking.  The basic concept is this: throughout the day, several times a day (as many times as possible, but don’t make this into yet another stressful to-do), stop and ask yourself the following question.

What am I feeling right now?

As in emotion – NOT physical pain.  Answer the question with a one/two-word answer – are you happy?  Are you sad?  Are you pissed off?  Are you nervous?  If you can’t name the emotion, that’s okay.  Just note how it feels, and if it’s toward the icky side or the happy side.  It might help to think about the four basic categories of emotions: mad, sad, glad, and scared.  Then, from there, see which one yours falls under.  Then, try to give it a name.  Maybe you’re not exactly mad, but you are frustrated.  Or perhaps you’re enraged!  Whatever it is, just notice.

That’s all.  That’s it.  Really!  There you have it.  I KNOW you can do this assignment!  This is a skill you can develop until you find yourself naturally doing this throughout the day, every day.  Why will it change your life?  More to come on that….

For now, just try this out.  Maybe you want to write the answer down every time.  Maybe you want to set a watch alarm to remind yourself to do the assignment.  Whatever feels right to you – DO IT.

Oh, and hey – TELL me about it right here!  I’d love to hear how it’s going, if you’re confused, or what you’ve noticed thus far!

Sometimes it Takes a Village – Part 2

In Sometimes It Takes a Village – Part 1, I discussed why it’s so helpful to reach out and look for support as you embark on your mind-body healing journey.  I introduced the idea of the Healing Team.  This week, I’d like to explore this further.  Who do you want on your Healing Team?  Here are my Top Ten Faves to consider for your Healing Team (in random order).  See what feels right to you, use them consecutively or in conjunction, pick and choose – THERE ARE NO RULES, because you must find the ideal combination for you.  This may entail a little exploration.  And of course – maybe you truly don’t need any of them.  Maybe you are doing great on your own.  There really are no rules!

• Breathwork 1 – Basic diaphragmatic breathing taught by a yoga instructor or voice instructor.  (One-on-one instruction is best.)  I would recommend this to every single person.  I think it is the most important thing you can learn – and this is saying a lot, because I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE coaching.

• Breathwork  2 – Someone who works with breath to facilitate emotional release.  You might need this if, for example, you worked with a therapist or coach and did basic breath-work, read about mind-body approaches such as Sarno’s, even took a program like Dr. Schubiner’s, and still have persistent pain.  In other words, don’t blame yourself, don’t blame the programs, information, or humans.  You just might need to release some serious suppressed emotion that can be regarded as basically stuck energy in your body.  (Remember, more coming in future posts.) (My favorite breathwork resource is www.barrattbreathworks.com.)

• Other body-based emotional release techniques, such as EMDR, EFT, or bioenergetic psychotherapy if you don’t have a breath-work specialist in your area.

• Traditional Western psychotherapy – If you have past traumas that you have yet to share with anyone, and if you hate talking about feelings or your personal inner life, you may need to start here.

• Energy healing – such as acupuncture, Healing Touch, or bioenergetic healing.  This comes in as a close second behind coaching and breath-work in my book.  It rocks.  No other way to say it.  It will speed up everything else you’re doing.

• Nutritional guidance of the non-scary kind (someone who can teach you balanced nutrition rather than an overly limited/restrictive diet).  It’s always helpful to support your body in its healing process.  This also means knowing that food alone may not be enough to cure you, and may not be the root cause of your issue.  You can just aid yourself and speed things up by giving your body what it needs.  If you’re prone to thinking your diet causes your pain, you might want to hold off on this one.

• A spiritual guide/teacher – Nothing is more reassuring than a spiritual connection.  My own personal journey to health was a spiritual unfolding within myself.  It may not be the norm to talk about this, or to even talk about its importance in a healing process, but I am not going to hold back anything from you.  I think it’s hugely important.  I will be sharing more about this in the future.  If you don’t work with someone in person, reading spiritual resources that feel right to you can be immensely comforting.  Follow your inner guidance.

• Yoga, t’ai chi, qigong, stretching, massage, and physical therapy – These can all have their place in your healing process – if you find instructors who know what they’re doing and therapists who are supportive.  While these may not heal you alone, they can be immensely effective in moving and releasing emotion and energy.  It can be easy to focus too much on the physical aspect of this kind of work and not enough on the emotional/mental release it stimulates, so be careful.  Make this a compliment, not the main focus.  As long as you’re not hanging all your hope on these things, you’ll find them fantastic supportive pieces of the puzzle – IF YOU ENJOY THEM.  Doing something you don’t like or that doesn’t feel right to you is never helpful.

• A physician you trust – I am a little bossy when it comes to my health, so I like a physician who will listen to me, take me seriously, and be willing to look beyond Western medicine and to the outer reaches of Western medicine.  Yes, I did find one!  I see him about once a year for a pap smear, but I like knowing I can trust him.  Mind-body healing does not mean throwing out Western medicine.  It’s about integration.

• Last but not least: COACHING! Yes, yes, I know I’m biased.  Seriously, though, NOTHING has helped me more than coaching.  It is the fastest way to relax your body, surprisingly enough, because it helps release thoughts and emotions that are causing the fight or flight response within your body.  And I didn’t even know about it when I was struggling through my initial healing process!  So you get to benefit from my experience, here!  Mind body (especially Martha Beck style) coaching is unique, straightforward, and immensely freeing.   As a spoke in the wheel for my clients, I also serve, due to my personal experience, as a sort of Mind-Body CEO, helping them see what works for them, what they can do for themselves, and how they can listen to their own inner guidance both to build their Healing Team and to learn to coach themselves.  I offer my own experience and knowledge as a guide and jumping-off point.  (In upcoming posts – much more about my personal application of coaching in my current life, so that you can see it in action and understand how it helps.)  If you integrate coaching with some of the traditional Sarno work, you get a hugely powerful mix.  If you put it together with body-based activities like yoga, breathing, and energy work, you’d have to work hard to stay in pain or ill!

If you’re struggling with mind-body healing and improvement is not happening for you, there’s no reason to give up, throw in the towel, or decide it’s a hoax.  I want you to know that nothing is wrong with you, you’re not doing anything wrong, and whatever you’ve tried probably isn’t wrong either.  It’s just a personalized, sometimes complicated process.  Breathe deeply, allow yourself some compassion, don’t be in a big rush, and explore.  Put together a Healing Team that works for you.  If you need only one person, great.  If you need ten people, great.  (If you read my blog regularly, I consider myself to be an honorary member of your Team, because it’s fun to think of you and your healing process (even if I don’t know you personally)!  Don’t forget to join my email list because there’s SO MUCH COMING (really soon!) that you might find helpful, and I always tell my email list first about exciting stuff.)

So what do I do now, in my life?  Who’s on my current Health Team?  Here’s my weekly practice: meditation, breath-work, mindfulness, journaling, self-coaching, yoga, visualization, reading, enough sleep, and PLAY.  I don’t do hours of everything – sometimes it’s just minutes here and there, depending on the day.  But I do these things because I love them and because they bring me peace, happiness, and health.  There is no sense of “should.”  I will be writing more about the lifestyle of mind-body health, so that you can learn from my “mistakes” and personal life lessons.

My Health Team consists of: my physician, my coach buddies, my energy healer (a nurse who uses Healing Touch), my yoga instructor (not for “fixing” my body, but because yoga enhances my mind-body-spirit connection and brings up emotions to be processed), my nutritionist (don’t use her as much anymore, but pop in and out here and there), and a great massage therapist (but that is not directed toward pain, it’s because I love getting massaged more than anything – I am a massage addict), and, last but not least – ME.

So anytime something is amiss within my mental/emotional world, I coach myself first.  Then I reach out to my support system and work with whomever is appropriate.  I get coached and take yoga classes weekly, and I consistently book energy healing appointments.  These three things, for me, are preventative, joyful medicine.  They are joy-enhancers.  When I want to treat myself, I get a massage.  The main point is, though, that when I think of my Health Team, I smile.  They all have great compassionate, kind personalities and positive energy.  So yes, sometimes it takes a village, but the village is there for you, waiting to help you return to health.

Sometimes it Takes a Village – Part 1

Today, I want to tell you more about my own personal mind-body healing journey, because I’d like to encourage you to find a great Healing Team to support your mind-body process.  My journey was not a straightforward climb to health at all.  Like most of you, I tried everything under the sun while I was in the desperation phase.  I did the yeast-cleansing diet with yeast-eradicating supplements, I did the IC diet and IC supplements, I did the no-oxalate diet, I took a variety of medications, saw a variety of doctors, and I looked all over the internet for the magic cure.  It was a time of fear, and panic, because nothing was helping.  Also, I think the only food left for me to eat was…water.  Which doesn’t have high nutritional value.

Once I decided to try the mind-body approach, I knew I was on the right track because magical things started happening.  I was led to Kathleen Barratt of Barratt Breathworks, where I first learned deep, diaphragmatic breathing techniques.  The sheer amount of deep breathing I did turned off my fight or flight response enough to drop me out of the fear/panic mode and allow me to settle into my mind-body healing process without desperation.  So that was step one.

Step two was to work with a therapist, (didn’t know about coaching at that point, otherwise I would have done that, too!) who helped me sort through my mental life, and even referred me to another therapist to work on past trauma.  (I plan to discuss trauma more in later posts – we all experience some, but some of us have experienced A LOT.  I am of the second category.)

Step three was to integrate the emotional work from therapy into my breathing sessions, because breath-work is a fantastic way to release suppressed emotion, if you’re working with somebody who knows what they’re doing.  Kathleen also works with energy healing, which is extremely powerful, and she was an important spiritual guide for me.  I added in acupuncture, because that also works with energy (chi).  I studied meditation.  (More on emotions, energy healing, meditation, and spirituality in later posts.)  I probably sound all organized with these steps, but I wasn’t.  I was just following my intuition.

I also worked with a nutritionist to support my body with healthy food, and to help me utilize supportive supplementation rather than random, advertised supplementation that promises to cure.  I implemented sound-healing therapy to help me sleep at night, and because as a musician, I was drawn to it.  I did guided imagery and art.  I went to physical therapy and did yoga, which I will discuss more in future posts as well.  I reached probably 85% health through this combination of approaches.

While I was engaged in this work with these different people, I was also reading about mind-body healing on my own.  I discovered the work of Dr. John Sarno.  It was at this point that I realized I could work with my mind to basically get out of the way of the healing process and let it happen.  (MUCH more on this to come.)  It was perfect that I read Sarno’s book when I did, because my husband and I were moving, away from my Healing Team.  I knew I was ready to let most of them go, and I knew I could replace the necessary or desired ones eventually, but this gave me a new piece in the puzzle.

When I read Sarno’s work, he discussed the idea of emotional suppression/repression, which I had already addressed through my breath-work, energy work, and therapy combination.  I already knew that piece of the puzzle.  I just needed some ways to get my mind on my side, to stop doubting, start believing, and stop thinking scary thoughts.  While it took more research and exploration to make this happen (and now, as a coach, I have even stronger tools), Sarno was the one who made me see and begin to understand.  For some people, just reading Sarno does not help, because they have no idea how to implement what he is saying, and they have no idea how to effectively release suppressed emotion.  Or, they don’t agree with the full approach. (You guessed it – more on that in later posts as well.)

So, as you can see, mind-body healing isn’t just a one-man job. If you have been working on mind-body healing and are feeling lost, think it doesn’t work, or can’t seem to get results, there may be a couple reasons.

1)    You need a Healing Team.  No man is an island.  We all learn from each other.  No one person, therapist, healer, whatever knows it all.  Kathleen always said she is a spoke in the wheel.  It takes immense knowledge and in-depth training in just one area of mind-body healing to be able to effectively work with others.  Don’t expect one-stop shopping for pain relief.  Any approach that promises to be the cure, or bring pain relief singlehandedly gives me an immediate “shackles on” feeling.  Not to say that it doesn’t have something to offer, because it probably does – sometimes invaluable help.  But I know one thing for sure – nobody knows Everything.  And they don’t know you, as an individual.  We are all unique beings with unique past histories, unique habits for dealing with stress, and unique bodies.  The danger then becomes that you will try the program, read the book, and not end up with absolute pain relief.  Then, you might assume that you can’t do it, or that it doesn’t work, when really you might just need a little more help, direction, or guidance, because it’s SO easy to get tripped up by your own thoughts.  So it’s important to try a combination of modalities you’re drawn to and explore different resources.  For instance, I work with clients who have gone through Dr. Schubiner’s program, find it really helpful, but also need help with negative thinking, so are now working with me.  Many of my clients are seeing a therapist concurrently to help with past trauma.  One client is even lucky enough to live near Kathleen, so is doing the same breath-work I did while also being coached.  Don’t take on the responsibility of “healing yourself” (I see it as getting out of the way so the healing can happen naturally) all alone, because it’s ten times harder.  Reach out in different directions and explore.

2)    You might not be implementing mind-body healing tools effectively, for a multitude of reasons.  For instance, if you are constantly getting sucked into doubt regarding mind-body healing, that will pull you off-track and slow you down immensely.  (This is where feedback from others is invaluable – people working with me, for example, have a place to share doubt and release it, and people in Dr. Schubiner’s program can re-read the sections dealing with doubt.)  Or, maybe you have a lot of emotional work that needs to be done, and you aren’t working with somebody who can help with this, such as a therapist or body-based emotional release practitioner (such as someone trained in breath-work or other modalities such as EMDR).  Maybe you have worked on emotional release, but still are having trouble putting together a mind-body plan for yourself that really works (that is what I do with my clients as well).  Maybe you are having trouble really working with negative thinking on your own.  Sometimes this can be difficult, because you are looking through the distortion of your own negative thinking, trying to change it.  Since this is my area of expertise, I see it often with clients – it’s not always a quick and easy process.  Besides, just the fact that you can’t step outside of yourself makes it harder.  I coach myself, of course, but always trade coaching with fellow coaches to get an outside viewpoint.

And, mind-body healing is not an easy thing to learn from a book.  If you’re putting the pressure on yourself to learn it and do it alone, that’s just one more stress on yourself.  It’s great to learn, but give yourself a guide, a teacher, someone to lead the way.   I still stay in contact with Kathleen.  I learn from Martha Beck and other coaches.  I still seek out energy healing, because I love it, and I learn more about myself every time I go.  I reach out to other people dealing with mind-body healing and bring their wisdom and knowledge to this blog, for you, and to further my own understanding.  The teachers I love are the ones who remain students forever, and I plan to be a student of mind-body healing until the day I die.  I don’t know it all, but I’m always willing to learn more.

Part Two coming soon…

June – What I’m Reading

After my blogging break, I find myself very inspired to talk to all of you again!  I’ve decided to add a new type of post that will come around monthly.  It’s called “What I’m Reading.”  I love to read, and so do my clients, it seems!  It’s so great to have new resources to help this whole mind-body concept stick in your mind, because we have all grown up with the current medical model.  This model says pain means something isn’t working properly in your body and it needs to be fixed – much like you would view your car if it started making funny noises and spewing fumes.  It’s looking at the body as if it were a machine.

Which it is not.

The body is not just the body.  It cannot be separated from the mind, the emotions, and the soul.  So, even though we long for linear, logical connections, they just aren’t always there.  Sometimes, the body hurts because we aren’t feeling our emotions.  Sometimes the body hurts because we aren’t listening to our true selves.

This can be hard to conceptualize at first, but the great news is that science can indeed explain much of these processes.  Which is where the resources come in – I LOVE it when doctors write about the mind-body connection, because they can speak to our linear, logical selves and help us believe in something that seems “out there” or woo-woo.  I love any book about the mind-body connection, pretty much, and this month I’m reading a great one.

This month’s book is a short little book called Breathe Smart, The Secret to Happiness, Health, and Long Life by Aaron Hoopes.  I love this little book for many reasons.  First, it’s little!  It’s short!  It cuts to the chase and gives you great information about breathing and its connection to health.  Second, it describes a bit of the science behind the connection between breathing and health.  Third, it hammers home the points I am always trying to make with clients about the power of the breath.

It’s so easy to overlook the breath and just dismiss it as another banal, old topic.  Don’t make that mistake!  Investing time and effort to truly understand and applying healthy breathing techniques will take you much further than you can even imagine.  If you’re looking for a short, concise book about breathing, this one is it.  I highly recommend it.  Then, take yourself to a yoga teacher, vocal coach, or breathwork specialist and learn how to take a full, diaphragmatic breath.  Your body, mind, and soul will thank you!

Don’t forget to check out the June telecourses offered in last week’s blog post!

Great June Opportunities!

Hello, everyone!  I’m back to my regular blogging schedule and can’t wait to share the new opportunities coming up this month.  Here’s the skinny:

TWO NEW TELECOURSES! These are highly pertinent to your mind-body healing process.  When I was invited by Martha Beck Master Coach Brooke Castillo to give this month’s Self Coaching 101 Call, I wanted to create a call that would apply to you, my fellow mind-body family.  So, I decided to create a class all about….drumroll…PERFECTIONISM!

Not that any of you need help with that, right?  :-)

Next, I’m unveiling the final secret to success with a mind-body approach in the Success Secrets – Part Two telecourse.  You won’t want to miss this one! However, you can get a great deal by purchasing both telecourses.  It’s buy one, get the other half-off! Purchase the Perfectionism telecourse (link below in the info) and get the Success Secrets telecourse for half price.  It’s a steal!

Here’s all the info about both telecourses:

The Success Secrets – Part Two

Make your mind-body healing process work for you!

Learn the second success secret to utilizing a mind-body approach.

Don’t miss this one!

$25.00 – OR, $12.50 with the purchase of the Perfectionism telecourse.

Tuesday, June 30
4 PT/5 MT/6 CT/7 ET
60 Minutes

Register Now for the Success Secrets Part 2 (only)

Want in on the great deal?  Forward me your electronic receipt/proof of purchase for the Perfectionism course and I will send you a link to the half-price Success Secrets Registration Page!

Self Coaching 101 Coaching Call – Perfectionism

Tuesday, June 16

4 PT/5 MT/6 CT/7 ET

Offered through Martha Beck Master Coach Brooke Castillo’s Self Coaching 101 Coaching Call Program

$45.00 – Register Now and get half off the Success Secrets Part Two Telecourse!

Perfectionism: Are You an Imperfect Perfectionist?

If you’re like many of my clients, you’re pretty sure you’re not a perfectionist.  If you were a perfectionist, you figure, your life would look more…well, perfect!  Your house would be cleaner.   You’d look more put together.  You’d have it all together!  You wouldn’t have the chaos, the stress, and the frustration of things not going the way they should.

What if I told you those very thoughts are actually perfection-thinking?  What if I mentioned that they are actually causing the chaos, the frustration, and the stress?

Perfectionism has nothing to do with your external life and everything to do with your internal life.  Notice yourself being self-critical?  Have trouble forgiving yourself for your “flaws?”  Never feel quite satisfied with yourself?  Manage to turn play into work and then worry about whether you’re doing it right?

You guessed it!  You’re falling for your own imperfect perfectionist thoughts!  Join me for ninety minutes of Self Coaching 101 and apply the model to your perfection thinking.  Imperfectly.  (Do you cringe when you read the word imperfect?  Then this class is for you!)

Walking the Talk

As a Mind-Body Health Coach, one of my main practices is to walk my talk.  Otherwise, what good am I to my clients and readers?  If I’m not doing what I preach, how can I expect others to, and how can I speak from experience?

This month, I am walking my talk even though it means making some difficult choices.

The truth is that if you want to stay healthy and pain free, you MUST take care of yourself, mind, body, and soul.  Mind-body healing is incredibly effective, but it does mean adopting a lifestyle of self-care and mental and emotional awareness.  This means checking to see what you are believing (as described in the last few posts), how you are feeling emotionally (which I’ll be talking about in future posts), and using this information to help you live your life on purpose rather than in reactive mode.

This lifestyle shift toward checking in with yourself regularly and making choices with your self-care in mind is important for two reasons.  First – most of us regularly put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do list and then expect to both stay healthy and be useful to others.  This is an absolutely unrealistic expectation.  Second – being consistently aware of your thoughts and emotions allows you to listen to your body and inner self and prevent the need for physical pain or symptoms.  When you pay attention to yourself and take care of yourself on all levels, you don’t unwittingly create an abundance of stress in your body, and your body does not need to give you the wake-up call of pain.

I pay daily attention to my thoughts and emotions for just this reason.  It keeps me pain-free, healthy, and happy.  For the last two weeks, I have noticed the emotions of overwhelm and fear repeatedly showing up.  Yesterday, I finally found the belief creating this recurring emotional state.  In the midst of several major projects that take up time, energy, and creativity, I am thinking this:  I need to do everything now, be available for everyone, and keep everything going or my coaching business will suffer.

This is a perfect example of a limiting belief.  It’s not true, it’s creating stress, and as a result, I am heading down the path toward overwork, exhaustion, and pain or illness of some kind.  Thankfully, my daily practice of self-care and mental/emotional awareness has allowed me to notice this BEFORE I end up with some kind of pain or illness!

This is what I want you to be able to do, too, once you have gone through the healing process.  It’s so easy to forget to take care of yourself when the wake-up call isn’t sounding regularly.  I’m hoping that if I share this insight with you, you won’t have to experience quite as many wake-up calls as I have.

When I look at this limiting belief and deconstruct it, I can see clearly how untrue it is.  I am so grateful for the knowledge that my own mind lies to me, because it allows me to stop, assess my thinking, and choose thoughts that serve me.  Let me show you the deconstruction of this particular limiting belief.

Here’s the belief again:  I need to do everything now, be available for everyone, and keep everything going or my coaching business will suffer. First, doing everything now is not possible.  Second, being available for everyone is also not possible.  Third, keeping everything going is only possible at the detriment of myself.  So this belief forces me to try to do three impossible things.  No wonder I feel stress!  Also, the idea that my coaching business will suffer if I don’t do these things is quite untrue.  In fact, my business will suffer if I try to do everything, keep it all going, and be available to everyone, because inevitably things will fall through the cracks and I will be less present, creative, and effective.

With this new understanding, I can step back and decide what I want to believe.  I’ve chosen: Prioritizing and choosing where I can most effectively and realistically spend my time and energy will help my coaching business during this busy time.

With the stress from the limiting belief lifted, I can see clearly how to prioritize, how to choose what to work on when, and how to be available when I can and still take care of myself.  I can practically hear my body thanking me.  I can hear my clients and potential clients thanking me, too, because they get top priority and will be able to fit in my schedule as a result.

Taking care of yourself means finding those thoughts that are not serving you and deciding what to think that will serve you.  This will de-stress you every time, and it will allow you to live life with your health intact.  Hopefully watching me in action helps you to apply this to your life immediately.

With all of that in mind, I am taking a short break from writing posts until a couple of these projects are off the ground.  Now that I am thinking my stress-relieving thought, I can see that communicating with you is a perfect option.  You know why I’m not posting, you know I’ll be back, and you also know how much I care about this blog and my efforts to support you in your journey to health.  So – look for new posts, new ideas, and a still-healthy, happy, pain-free me in June!

Have a fantastic month of May and most of all, take care of yourself.  (Which I would love to hear about!  Please tell me about it by commenting on this post!)

Your Social Self from a Whole New Perspective

In last week’s blog post, I discussed Martha Beck’s concept of the social self and how this part of your psyche can toss out lots of stressful thoughts, making you feel unhappy and stressed.  Your social self might tell you that other people will think you’re crazy if you take that job or quit that job, marry that man, leave that man, etc., etc.!  It might tell you that everyone will think you’re lazy if you don’t bake cookies for the upcoming PTA gala event.  It may tell you that you shouldn’t listen to your inner wisdom, because doing so would mean everyone would make fun of you or no longer respect you.  I could go on and on, because the social self has a LOT to say about your life, and it can take up a lot of your mental space with all of its opinions.

At first, when you learn how to distance yourself and become the watcher or observer of your thoughts, you might still believe the thoughts your social self tells you.  That’s perfectly normal, but I wanted to give you a little help today by showing you a whole new perspective.  I have a client who grew up in Croatia and now lives in London.  From her point of view, the social self “rules” of Londoners are easy to spot.  Now that she lives in London, she can also clearly see the social self “rules” she lived with in Croatia.  I asked her to do an email interview to share with all of you, so read on to begin viewing the social self through new eyes…

You have been a client for a while now, so you are thoroughly aware of your social self.  We have discovered that you have a unique viewpoint regarding the social self, since you have lived in two cultures.  Can you tell us a little bit about that?

I am sure that everyone can become aware of and make friends with their social self even if they never move or travel from their home country. But, having been immersed in two cultures might speed up the process more. I am also speaking as an anthropologist – a person whose job is to become an insider of another culture by observing and participating in it. If I had to sum up the role of an anthropologist, I would say, it is a job of being a watcher – sounds familiar? If what we are doing in our spiritual development is to witness and watch our thoughts and emotions, then being an anthropologist means witnessing the world around us. The two paths that I have been on are mutually reinforcing each other and I have found more pleasure in both since I have embarked on the journey of self-discovery. Being in a foreign culture makes people become aware of their own beliefs and values that they have created or assimilated as they grew up. Essentially, this process of contrasting one’s beliefs and values to a totally new way of life – a foreign culture – makes us realize that beliefs are not universal, that we have not been born with them, and the good news is that we can therefore change them is they are not serving us any more. When a fish swims in the water, it has no awareness of water – of its texture, temperature, feeling. Only when it’s out of the water, the difference is noticeable. This is the effect that happens when one lives in two cultures.

When you moved to London, what were some new social “rules” or “stories” you discovered people following or believing?

They were both funny and annoying, hehe. One of the first things I’ve noticed was the story of ‘you always need to look busy’ and ‘you always need to look as if you know what you’re doing’. At first, I laughed at people when they would open their diaries only to arrange a casual coffee with me. I would have to book a coffee break with them at least 3 weeks in advance. That sounded ridiculous to me, as in my own culture, people normally just come round to each other’s houses, sometimes even without calling in advance. My culture was spontaneous and British culture looked too organized to me. I also noticed that wherever you met people, either in their work or university environment, they always had the pose (body language included) as if telling to you ‘I know what I’m doing’. It might be knowing which books to read for the next seminar, knowing where your career would go in 5 years time, knowing which school your child will go to before they are even born. Nobody allowed any uncertainty. Everything looked pre-programmed, so these people looked to me as if they didn’t allow themselves any choice. There was only one route to take. After the initial laugh that I had, I found myself getting really annoyed with this way of life because I slowly ‘bought into’ their story.  I started frantically planning my time months ahead and if I didn’t have plans for the weekend, I would feel miserable. Imagine the office talk always being – any plans for the weekend? It would drive me mad. But then, I started SEEING this behaviour for what it was. It was just a cultural story – a social self code that allowed people to mix and socialize. Recognizing social self as a friend with positive intentions shifted me into the stage I am now. I appreciate all the stories around me, I see them as merely stories and I can CHOOSE to either be in them or out of them. I don’t plan my weekends any more, I have spontaneous coffees whenever I can and when I can’t I am not annoyed if I have to book time in a friend’s diary – I know this does not mean they don’t like me.
If you go on the underground in London, we call it the tube, you see people looking all stressed, shoulders hunched, immersed in their thoughts, shaking their legs nervously, always being late – they wear a sign on their forehead ‘There is never enough time’. When I am surrounded with people in this mood, I deliberately slump into my seat, lean comfortably as if I am lounging in my own living room and just look around myself – wearing a sign ‘I have all the time in the world’. And very often, people look at me as if I am from some other planet. The body language changes from culture to culture – it is amazing. ☺

Was it easy to see that others were worrying about these cultural stories that were of no importance to you whatsoever?

As I said, I think I had to go through three stages. First, I found it silly that they worried so much, planned so much, gripped tightly so much to their future. But as I wanted to integrate and become an insider, I slowly assimilated these stories and they made me suffer. When I became one of them, I suffered just like them. This woke me up. I am now in the third stage – the one where I am still as curious as a child and don’t take things at their face value, but I have the wisdom to understand what is going on behind people’s behaviour. To be in this stage is a blessing because I deliberately create a choice for myself. I know all the story lines and I can choose to believe or not to believe – really depending on what I want my outcome to be. I have no problem with allowing my social self to guide me through a story if this means creating a better communication with people. Social self is a very adaptable and wise old friend.

Did you see clearly how people attached importance to these cultural stories and thus created stress for themselves?

Oh yes. It was very clear. It becomes clearest in romantic relationships when people who come from different backgrounds have different values. Beliefs and values should never be underestimated – they drive our behaviour. The only thing that helps two people with different value systems is not so much to change them to become more similar but just to notice that this system is not an innate, essential part of us. We have picked it up as we were growing up from our parents, school, peers, media. When you realize your beliefs are not who you are, you become a free person and this allows you to truly communicate with someone who is totally different from you. Imagine the level of freedom when you can shape yourself just the way you want to, hahaha. I think this should be a compulsory education everywhere, but especially in London where there are 300 different languages spoken each day. No wonder so many intercultural relationships fall apart.

What were some cultural stories from your Croatian culture you found yourself believing – but discovered were of no importance to Londoners?

The funniest ones had to do with what behaviour is expected from a woman in public. In Croatia, it is considered shameful for a woman to enter a café on her own. I would always wait for my friends outside in the street – even when it was freezing cold. Being on my own in a café, sipping coffee or writing on my lap-top is a big NO in Croatia. I do it now when I go to Croatia and I get all sorts of looks ☺ Also, in Croatia, you are not supposed to have a meal out on your own. This was my biggest challenge. Just the other day, I actually had some free time between two meeting and I was hungry, so I had my first meal in a restaurant, totally by myself. It felt great.
Then there are bigger stories – in Croatia children are encouraged to stay living with their parents until very late, sometimes even until they’re 30 years old. If you leave home at the age of 18, you’re considered a runaway. You are also expected much more to take care of the parents when they are elderly. To go to an old people’s home is shameful, it means that you are not a good child and you have deserted your parents. And in Britain, it is totally opposite – children are encouraged to leave home as early as 16 and parents never expect them to move cities to be able to help them when they’re older.

What else can you tell us from your unique perspective of having lived in two different cultures?

Like with everything else – living in two cultures can be a source of power or misery. It totally depends on your perspective and attitude. I now believe this is one of the best things that has happened to me. But it doesn’t happen totally effortlessly. Being an outsider can be painful sometimes – you can feel you don’t belong to either of cultures, you can feel dislocated all the time. I have done my share of suffering around that. And when I have had enough, I examined my thinking about this experience. When I was able to embrace the cultural stories and codes without any judgment, when I saw opportunity in them, I suddenly started feeling really enriched. The way people behave, as a result of their stories, is nothing personal – it is not directed at you, and when I realized that, it was a breakthrough point in becoming a happy person with two home countries.

How do you see your social self, now?

Great friend with positive intentions. When left to its own devices, it creates pain, but when employed by our higher self to serve us, then it’s a very loyal companion.

Stressful Thoughts Explained

If you read last week’s blog post, The Role of Thinking in Physical Pain, you might be wondering where all these blasted stressful thoughts come from!  If you feel like you have a Scary Thought computer in your mind, churning out thoughts like, “What if that lump is a tumor?” or “You’re an idiot and will never succeed,” then you are not alone.

And you are also absolutely right!

We all have lots of scary and stressful thoughts that have the potential to wreak havoc.  We actually do have a part of our brain that is devoted to throwing out scary thoughts 24/7 – which is why it is essential to understand that your thinking is just made up of thoughts – not absolute truth.

Your brain is actually on your side, even though it seems to be driving you nuts with all these thoughts, whether they are future thoughts, past thoughts, judgment thoughts, critic thoughts, or obsessive thoughts.  Your brain is trying to keep you safe, but it is sadly misinformed.  It has learned lots of things from parents, peers, teachers, and experiences throughout your life, and has uploaded these bits of information into your mental computer.  It constantly scans your environment, looking for danger, based on these data.

Without this part of your brain, you’d think it was perfectly safe to walk down the middle of the street, approach a large grizzly bear in the woods, and walk through that dark alley all alone.  It’s a very necessary part of our existence.  However, if the most life-threatening thing you do daily is sitting at your desk, that part of your brain can be a hindrance.

“That’s not good enough,” it whispers in your ear as you work on a project. “Nobody will like it.”  And the more you tell it to shut up, the louder it gets.

Sociologist and life coach Martha Beck calls these fear-based parts of our mind the social self and the lizard brain.  I’ve discussed the lizard brain before, but just to refresh your memory, I’ll explain again that it’s just the part of the brain we share with reptiles, and its job is to look out for an attack of any kind and for scarcity in your environment.  The social self, on the other hand, is a little trickier.  Its job is to make sure you fit into your culture, lest you be exiled.  In the past, not fitting in with your social group meant being left to hunt, gather, and try to survive all alone.  It made a lot of sense to stay within the systems and rules of your peer group.

Now, however, the worst result of peer disapproval is usually not getting return phone calls.   Yet, your social self will still scream loudly whenever you consider going against the grain, swimming upstream, or ignoring a firmly entrenched social “rule.”  Your social self is a bit power-hungry, and will begin taking over every inch of your life if you’re not paying attention.  Pretty soon, you’re not taking a single action without thinking first about what other people would think.  You begin to depend on others approval to feel good about yourself, and you begin to pressure yourself into doing things that aren’t right for you, just so you won’t bother/create disapproval in other people.

Between the lizard and the social self, you can end up feeling like too many people are in upper management in your mind.  And it’s true!  Upper management is the realm of your wise, intuitive self who is always trying to steer you to peace, calm, and joy.   Remaining centered in this sense of self, you can listen to the social self and the lizard, evaluate their opinions, and make a confident decision.  Instead of running around putting out fires (usually imaginary ones), you stand still and bring more peace, calm, and joy to yourself.

Which is, of course, followed by health.  If the social self and lizard are ruling your life, you live in Stressville.  If they aren’t, you return to mental, emotional, and physical health.  Healthy Life City.

Want the tools for moving out of Stressville?  I’ll be discussing these in detail in the upcoming telecourse series, The Mind-Body Connection Power Series.

The Role of Thinking in Physical Pain

In my recent telecourse, The Power of the Mind-Body Connection: Less Stress, Less Pain, More Freedom, I introduced the Healthy Mind Toolbox.  The toolbox consists of four tool categories: Understanding, Awareness, Focus, and Persistence.

The toolbox is my way of organizing the aspects of mind-body healing to make it as easy as possible for you.

(Did you miss the telecourse?  Sign up for the Healthy Life Newsletter to get the free download.  The telecourse was an overview of the toolbox and its components, and now I’m presenting an in-depth look at each tool category in the upcoming Mind-Body Connection Power Series. To get more help with personal application of the toolbox, join the Mind-Body Connection Power Group – members get free access to the Mind-Body Connection Power Series.  You won’t want to miss the FREE  Success Secrets telecourse next Thursday, March 19.)

The Understanding Tools focus on two vital parts of mind-body work: thoughts and emotions.  Today I’m writing about thoughts.  This post is VITAL to your mind-body work, and will serve as a reference point for every post I write from here on out.  If you pay attention to this one, everything else will make sense.  Your knowledge and healing process can be built around this central concept.

You may already have some idea of the role of thinking in physical pain, but for those who don’t, I’m going to start from the beginning.

Though the common practice in our culture is to revere and depend on the logic mind, there are a few problems with that.  I can practically hear you thinking, “What?  Is she nuts?”  No really…it’s true.  Let me explain.

Thoughts are just electrical impulses that happen in our brains.  Often, they come from the area of the brain Martha Beck likes to call the “lizard brain,” which, without boring you with scientific details, is the part of the brain we share with reptiles.  It’s the part of your mind that helps you recognize threats, whether they are in the form of scarcity or overt attack.  The good old lizard can really take over your life if you are unaware of it, because it spews out “lack!” or “attack!” thoughts regularly.  You have little choice in this matter, being human, but you can learn the ultimate, life-saving trick:

Don’t believe what you think.

The many millions of thoughts you produce daily/weekly/yearly are just that – thoughts.  If you were to let them print out on a little thought-printer for several days, you would begin to notice patterns and lots of repetition.  They are just benign entities existing in your mind.  The trouble starts when you BELIEVE those thoughts.  If you think, “I will never get well,” for example, and don’t believe it, that thought has no impact on you.  If you believe it, it becomes devastating.

My favorite metaphor for this comes from Martha Beck.  (Naturally!)  She likens the mind to a large German Sheppard.  Imagine you and this dog on a walk together, but it’s the kind of walk you have with a dog who’s never been trained.  You’re being yanked all over, your arm is pulled out of its socket, and you end up exhausted.  However, if you were walking the dog rather than allowing the dog to walk you, then you would end up with a nice, energizing walk, some fresh air, and exercise.  And a happy dog.

Many people are getting walked by the dog, and spend their whole lives trying to fix the problem by hoping to control outside circumstances.  They feel victimized by events, because they don’t know the secret.

The secret is this: thoughts create feelings.

If an event or circumstance takes place, most people assume that it “made them feel” a certain way.  I used to continually get upset with my husband for “making me feel” any number of things.  However, it was not him making me feel, it was ME.  Whatever I was thinking, in response to his actions or words, was what created my feeling.  So, I would have running commentary in my head, like, “He just doesn’t understand what it’s like.”  Or, “He doesn’t really care, he just wants to do it his way.”  Those are just two examples out of the millions of thoughts I once believed.

By now, you’re probably imagining a situation, saying to yourself , “In that circumstance, it would not be my thoughts causing me to feel bad!  It would be the situation/in-laws/weather/pain making me feel bad!”

This is normal.  This is your mind’s reaction to this very shocking concept that everything your mind says is not true and in fact can create unnecessary suffering in your life should you believe it.  It’s very natural to resist this concept at first, and to try to disprove it.

Why?

Because understanding that thoughts create feelings means you are accountable for how you feel.  All the time.

Yikes!

That may sound like bad news at first, but it is actually the most freeing, energizing revelation once you begin to experience the results.  Once you learn how to see your thinking, asses it, and then change it, you discover huge amounts of untold power at your disposal.  The world no longer feels like such a scary place, because you have the ability to change how you feel, no matter what is going on in your circumstances.  (Not that you shouldn’t ever feel bad – but we’ll get to this when we talk about emotions.)

This might just be the most effective stress-reduction technique I’ve ever encountered.  I used to spend my life being walked by the dog, but no more!  I walk the dog, every day.  I am in charge of how I feel.  As a result, I get to feel good a lot more.

So how does this affect your mind-body healing process?

It gives it a boost of super-powered energy that rockets you to a whole new level.

Think about it – if you are able to reduce your stress without changing your unsolvable problems or difficult life circumstances, you end up with much less internal tension.  Your body stops living in fight or flight mode, and stops creating inflammatory responses and generous doses of stress hormones.  Also, you discover where you have been unwittingly creating massive doses of stress by reacting to thoughts like, “I will never heal,” or “I’m never going to be able to live a normal life again” as though they were true.

For those of us with the personality traits described by Mind-Body doctor Dr. John Sarno, such as perfectionism, good-ism, etc., this opens up whole new doors for healing.  What a revelation to discover that “I have to do this just right,” or, “I can’t make any mistakes,” or, “Everyone will think I’m a failure” are just powerless, little thoughts.

As you can imagine, not believing these and other, similar stressful thoughts reduces your stress levels fast.   You may not realize how much tension you are accumulating in your body while believing self-directed stressful thoughts.  When that stress begins to leave, suddenly you notice huge changes physically.  I used to be plagued with upper and lower back muscle knots.  I really thought I’d have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life – and this was BEFORE I discovered I had a pelvic floor full of muscle knots!

Now, my back, neck, and pelvic floor are loose and relaxed – unless, of course, I start accumulating tension.  Now I know that tension is just a signal to look at what’s going on in my unconscious thought patterns.  Once I get the thoughts on paper (because it’s not like we CHOOSE to believe these thoughts, or even know we’re doing it) I am often shocked.  I often think – “I was thinking THAT??!!”

So now that you know the secret power of thinking, you might have a lot of questions.  I will definitely be posting more about this in the future, so please ask them.  I’d love to know what you want to know and what is confusing.

Since your mind has so much power over your body, you may be chomping at the bit to learn how to walk the dog.  There are many ways to do it – some people simply meditate (Pema Chodron is a great resource for learning how to detach from thoughts through meditation).  Others read books (there are many, many books about this very topic – see my Resources page for my favorites, listed under Self Coaching.)  Some choose to try coaching.  Martha Beck coaching is entirely about changing your thinking.  It’s based on the branch of psychology called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is an extension of cognitive behavioral therapy.   Martha Beck coaches are also trained in The Work, a method for working with thoughts created by Byron Katie.

A fellow Martha Beck Coach named Brooke Castillo developed a very helpful method of learning to work with your own thinking.  It’s called Self Coaching 101.  I am certified in the method and find it extremely useful in my own life and in my work with clients.  I can tell you this: the thought-work methods are extremely effective and helpful in releasing emotional suffering.  This simply has to result in less physical pain.  Every single practitioner I am familiar with who works with mind-body healing, such as Dr. Schubiner (and to some extent, David Wise, Ph.D), advocates or incorporates a form of thought-work.

In fact, Dr. Schubiner tells people in the fourth week of his month-long program to read Byron Katie’s books and learn the thought-work methods.  Monte Heuftle, an author and TMS coach, advocates “thinking clean” in his resources.  This kind of mental work is truly one of the biggest pieces of mind-body healing.  It is fast, effective, and something you can incorporate into your life forever.

If you have looked at some of the resources I’ve mentioned above and are still struggling to understand or incorporate this kind of mental work, don’t worry.  It can be tricky, because you’re trying to do it through the filter of your own thinking.  That’s why it can be so helpful to speak to another person who is trained in this kind of work.  As a coach, it’s my job to spot those stressful thoughts that you are unaware you are thinking.  (We call them unconscious limiting beliefs.)   Keep on working, keep on practicing, and you will soon see the benefits.  Persistence is the key.

Free and Affordable Stuff for You!

If you are signed up for my newsletter, you already know about all of the upcoming excitement in March and April!  (Want to be in the loop?  If you want to be notified of upcoming opportunities and have first-to-know status, join the newsletter.)

What’s happening in March?  Another FREE TELECOURSE!  Learn the Success Secrets behind mind-body healing!  Click HERE for more info.

What’s happening in April?  LOTS!  Telecourses, group coaching opportunities, and a chance to get a lot of mind-body tools, stress relief, and support for very little money.  Click HERE for all the details!